I need to learn how to variate my sentences.

I always begin with the subject.

Also, reading the dictionary and memorizing the words is something I wish to do. And reading MLK Jr’s writing. And Ghandi’s. And Virginia Wolfe’s. And Plato’s.

I want to learn another language. Study military tactics and apply that to chess. Read philosophy that I would never agree with. Play logic games. Do trigonometry problems again. Practice science experiments and watch the history channel. Study law and astronomy. I want to read novels in french and portuguese to better my understanding of cultures I do not know.

I want to be better.

More.

Please don’t misunderstand my wistfulness of the acquisition of knowledge as a front for some insecurity, or a fear of being insufficient. I simply realized that I’m graduating.

I’m nowhere near the kind of person that I want to be, and it was foolish of me to believe that college was going to bring me closer to that. It was foolish for me to think that four years learning a profession would sate my hunger for all that is to be known.

I think I’ve finally realized just how much of my life is in my hands – how much I can gain on my own without having to depend on an institution to deliver it to me. I can do things, try things, learn things. I’m not talking about going on a spending spree in Milan. I’m talking about every day taking home a library book that has a  subject that is fascinating.

It’s incredibly encouraging to know that God has his hand on your life. That he offers you truth, hope, love. Acceptance. More. That its ok to feel like I’m not fully cooked yet.

I’m going through a bit where everything seems to be chaos – where I have so many emotions swimming across my eyes that I cannot see. But I think I’ll make it through. With Jesus. With the promise that more lies ahead.

Thanks – for listening, and being there.

Ps. My writing is taking turns I never knew it could with all this going on. I can’t wait to get pg one back from Meg so that I can let this train take its course.

Pss. I realized that I really like editing. Like a lot. Not my own stuff though – I get too caught up in tangles.

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4 thoughts on “I need to learn how to variate my sentences.”

  1. “Please don’t misunderstand my wistfulness of the acquisition of knowledge as a front for some insecurity, or a fear of being insufficient.”

    I really don’t think that’s possible to do. Who ever thought of the search for greatness to stem from insecurity? You have to be strong enough in yourself to believe you can do it.

    And I believe in you. In fact, I believe that you are already great. And the greatness you lack in your weakest areas? It’s there, hiding in your system. You just haven’t unlocked it yet. Just like a video game- you can unlock more strength, but you have to take one step at a time and accomplish different quests along the way. College is your current quest.

    So were you foolish to think that college would get you closer to the woman you want to be? Absolutely not! Education is quest #1 in our American game of life. You’ve got to beat the level before unlocking more greatness within your self. Graduation is empowering. And you’re so close to leveling up!

    1. Can I just say that I screamed aloud when I read the video game analogy? I was in the middle of a rawtv meeting. They stared at me.

  2. I think it’s great that you are voicing the desire to continue to grow and learn even though you won’t have an organized form of doing so! This is a similar conversation I had with Dr. Bowlin when I was graduating and he told me that graduation was just the tip of the iceberg when it came to learning opportunities. Now you have the freedom to learn something new without wondering “do I have room for that in my schedule?”. This is your time to try anything and everything without limits! How exciting!!!!

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