I always begin with the subject.
Also, reading the dictionary and memorizing the words is something I wish to do. And reading MLK Jr’s writing. And Ghandi’s. And Virginia Wolfe’s. And Plato’s.
I want to learn another language. Study military tactics and apply that to chess. Read philosophy that I would never agree with. Play logic games. Do trigonometry problems again. Practice science experiments and watch the history channel. Study law and astronomy. I want to read novels in french and portuguese to better my understanding of cultures I do not know.
I want to be better.
Please don’t misunderstand my wistfulness of the acquisition of knowledge as a front for some insecurity, or a fear of being insufficient. I simply realized that I’m graduating.
I’m nowhere near the kind of person that I want to be, and it was foolish of me to believe that college was going to bring me closer to that. It was foolish for me to think that four years learning a profession would sate my hunger for all that is to be known.
I think I’ve finally realized just how much of my life is in my hands – how much I can gain on my own without having to depend on an institution to deliver it to me. I can do things, try things, learn things. I’m not talking about going on a spending spree in Milan. I’m talking about every day taking home a library book that has a subject that is fascinating.
It’s incredibly encouraging to know that God has his hand on your life. That he offers you truth, hope, love. Acceptance. More. That its ok to feel like I’m not fully cooked yet.
I’m going through a bit where everything seems to be chaos – where I have so many emotions swimming across my eyes that I cannot see. But I think I’ll make it through. With Jesus. With the promise that more lies ahead.
Thanks – for listening, and being there.
Ps. My writing is taking turns I never knew it could with all this going on. I can’t wait to get pg one back from Meg so that I can let this train take its course.
Pss. I realized that I really like editing. Like a lot. Not my own stuff though – I get too caught up in tangles.